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| Fuck this life. I’m fucked up. :(
I can’t exactly tell what started it all. It was a bunch of things, really.
I guess missing the entire week of school nudged this shit along. I feel bad, of course, and I’m trying to prepare myself for the badgering from teachers and stress of having to make up so much work. Makes me wanna just break down right now, just thinking about it.
Gah, my head is killing me.
And let me explain to you before you read on that I AM a horny pervert. I’d hate to take my sexual feelings out in public, though, so I usually roleplay them out with people I feel I can trust *coughcough livetoofarawaytorevealmyproblemcoughcough*
Then, yesterday while I was talking to Kyo, I fucked us up bad. I was feeling horny, as usual. *rolls eyes* And neither Taiyou or Cyrus was on for me to take it out on, so I had asked Kyo to do a lemons with me and started going crazy in my head when she said no. Of course, I understand why. We were busy with a current rp and she wasn’t in the mood. And her friend was over too, so I’m sure she was getting stressed between us both.
So I did some crazy crap with our two character’s ‘cause I was so desperate and realized only a minute later I was being an idiot. I felt bad for pressing the lemons on Kyo and everything but was too embarrassed to say anything.
THEN, Kyo’s dad came home.
Usually, I don’t have a problem with not having a father. I mean, there have been times, only two to be more exact, where I got really depressed about it.
I remember this one time so fucking vividly. I was out with my mom’s friends Colleen, Jim, and their kid David who’s two years old. My mom wasn’t there yet, but she was coming. Anyway, Jim was holding David on his hip and was talking to him and then, out of the blue, I cried. I don’t mean sobbing out loud or anything. All that happened was a few tears slipped and I WANTED to cry out loud. But I didn’t, that would’ve been embarrassing and I’m not sure how Colleen and Jim would’ve dealt with it. I’m sure it would’ve been tense and uncomfortable.
There was another time too, but I can’t remember it off the top of my head ….
Anyways, so her dad came home. I could hear him in the background. Kyo always talks about her dad nicely. She loves him a lot. He sounded really nice too. I wanted to say something, but I was too embarrassed. Too scared. I just whimpered. I didn’t do anything. I just sat there all quiet, listening to his voice and him talking to Kyo and Ayame.
Then they were gone. Went into another room or something. Hearing him did something to me. That stupid feeling over fathers came back, just like with David and Jim. It was fucking stupid.
So I was going crazy over that when Kyo and Ayame came back. Of course, I didn’t say anything. No need to stress them over that shit, especially when it’s KYO’S dad. Anyways, she was saying something to me from across the room and I couldn’t hear her. If you’ve ever talked to me, you’d probably know I have bad hearing. So, she finally came up to the mic, acting all pissed because she had to repeat it for the tenth time, and I snapped right back, of course, ‘cause I was so fucking screwed in the head.
So, I said I was getting off cause she was obviously busy with Ayame and was pissed with me. I didn’t wait for a reply and I’m glad I didn’t. it would’ve only caused more drama and stress.
I went to sleep right after that. I woke up today and cried. I tried not to, and I only cried a little, but I did. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why do I having to be so fucking dramatic about this shit? Why can’t I ever get over anything?
I wish I could just curl up in a corner and cry forever. I don’t think I even deserve to be fucking saved. If I can’t get over this shit on my own, then I don’t deserve to grow up and continue this shitty bloodline.
Expect there to be a few blogs today. I’m too fucked up to put it all in one
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| life is horrible for me at the moment. both nick and maria are fighting
with one another, telling me their story. both sound different and have
various holes and twists. of course, i don't know which to believe.
these are two of the most important people in my life, people i trust
and have always told me the truth before that i know of. to suddenly
hear all of these absurd happenings is a bit overwhelming.
even though they're both my best friends, they're both capable of
lying. and i can't doubt that they would just to get me on their side.
it's all a part of getting back at an ex.
what irritates me the most is that they both seem to be trying to get
me on their side. i can't believe i'm actually pissed off at both, or
even one of my best friends. they've both got me fucking ticked. i
understand they're both hurt, but someone isn't able ot let this go. i
want so badly just to see them both at the same time and hear both of
them while they interact with the other. when they're just talking to
me, it's easy to lie or distort the truth. hopefully, when near the
other, at least SOME fucking truth would be told.
ugh. i sometimes just wish that i didn't have any friends. i mean, i
love them to death, but when things like this happen i just can't seem
to handle it. and i don't think they understand how much all of this is
affecting me.
it doesn't just affect me mentally, but physically too. i get all
nervous and anxious and easily sick. as i type i feel like i'm going to
throw up. :( it's not exactly the best feeling in thw world. then, of
course, there's also the headache and sore back that just HAVE to
accompany it.
fuck. just as life was starting to sail smooth, this has to shove
itself down my throat. i'm fucking choking on the air around me. i want
to kill something. i wat to kill SOMETHING. i want to DO something. i
want to run away o-or fly away or something.
aw man, i'd love to experience the feeling of falling off a building. i
don't mean to scare anybody or anything, but it's something i've wanted
to do really badly lately. i can just imagine ..... the feeling of no
more responsibilities, no more stress, no more anything. all you need
to worry about is the air rushing around you, your stomach flipping
pleasantly. oh, i want that so fucking much. i want it so badly.
i don't want do die. i at least don't think so. these feelings
sometimes make me think i do, but i can never be sure ..... i think i
don't want to die. i think .....
why don't i know? shouldn't i? why don't i ever know what to do? why
does i seem like i can never help any of my friends? why does life just
keep getting worse for them?
fuck. if it weren't for me, maria and nick would've never met and none
of this would've ever happened. NONE of it. why do i have to be here?
can't i be somewere else? kinda wish i was. somewhere far from here
..... | | |
| I’m actually forcing myself to write this blog. Heh. ^^;;
Anyways, life’s back to normal I guess since we came back from my aunt’s. The only thing different is my fucking anger. Seriously, I’ve been getting pissed at the tiniest things lately. Like, how Kyo kept saying that this pic I made of Yami looked like a genie. I asked her not to call him a genie of the puzzle since it got me kinda miffed but, of course, just like the emo slut dilemma, she keeps on using it. Now that I think of it, I should really have a talk to her about that. I don’t think she realizes just how I angry I get when she annoys me with little things like that. It’s not even funny anymore. I’ll get so pissed at online games that I wanna just throw the computer off of the desk. Sometimes, I’ll get so pissed, my body temperature will actually seem to rise. Isn’t that weird? It actually could be something mental or blah blah blah, but it still scares me. It scares me how sometimes my chest will actually begin to ache and when my head begins to pound. I don’t think this is normal, and I shouldn’t be taking it lightly but I’m too scared of causing a big fuss about myself. I don’t like it when anyone else does, why should I? Of course, I usually like it when they do, ‘cause then I can give them advice or actually help seek medical attention. I hate it when my friends are stressed and worried about stuff I don’t know. I felt so bad hen I found out Maria had been having problems with nick, broke up with him, and then got pestered by Ryan. Seriously, wtf? Can’t the two just leave her the fuck alone? Don’t hey realize how selfish they’re being by poking and prodding her!? What fucking morons. I feel so bad for her. I’ve been worried about myself though, too. Just ‘cause …. I’ve been having thoughts about … you know, not existing. I’m scared that I may be suicidal or something. I don’t wanna die, I’m sure. I’d hate to do that to my mom and Kyo too. So ….. Why do I feel like this? Why do I sometimes wish that could just float around in this abyss sort of thing forever? I’d love to feel the wind in my face, carrying me off to unknown lands. I’d love to float above other people, watching them do whatever. I’d love to …. Not be there. To just be watching. I’d love to not be me. To not have to deal with sexuality or stress about what to do in the future. I don’t want to worry about that kind of stuff. I just wanna sink into the ground and sleep forever. Just sleep until my heart turns back into dust. Kinda wish I could do that. It’d be awfully nice. | | |
| Ugh, life just keeps getting fucking worse. I’m so fucking pissed! Okay, first of all, my cousin’s been acting like a fucking bitch. My mom asked me to bring the laundry out, but I told her that a bunch of Megan’s toys were in the dirty laundry basket. Don’t ask me why. Megan obviously didn’t want to put them away, so she decided to stuff them in a random basket like she always does. So, my mom asked Megan to take her toys out and put them away. She got up, all fucking pissed and went into her room to put them away. I asked if she was angry, and she said “Yes, but I’m not going to tell you.” …. Tell me ….. What? I think she was trying to say “Yes, but I’m not going to tell you WHY.” Anyways, so that fucking pissed me off. I’m sure she was pissed because of the fact that she actually had to pick up after herself, like she usually is. And, of course, she had to fling everything around and act all sour and pissy at me. I don’t fucking appreciate it, and until she either apologizes or straightens up her fucking attitude, I’m not gonna talk to her. Yes, this is stupid and bitchy of me, but I don’t fucking care! I’ve been dealing with emotional crap this whole fucking month and I don’t need her fucking shit to go with it! Ugh, and then to top that shit off, I got pissed at this girl on Sheezyart. A day or two ago, she had posted a journal where she said she had told her boyfriend to stop complaining about his cold and rest. He then left the room crying, as she says. So, she asked if anybody thought she was too harsh with him. I said that the statement sounded a bit harsh but he also seemed a bit too sensitive to the matter. Then, she said “Don’t judge me, I’m not harsh” stuff like that. Dude, you fucking asked in your journal for other people’s opinions! What’d you fucking expect!? Anyways, so I told her I wasn’t judging. And, honestly, I wasn’t. The statement sounded a bit mean in my opinion, but her boyfriend acted WAY out of context. After that, she simply said “Whatever”. YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!! You asked for my fucking opinion, I gave it to you!! Just because it wasn’t to your liking doesn’t give you the right to just shoo me away like that. Do you know how fucking rude it is to say “Whatever”? I mean, it bothers the fucking shit out of me whenever Kyo does it! I swear, I wanna fucking wrong somebody’s neck so badly. I just wanna leave this place and go kill something! I wanna fucking kill ANYTHING I can get my hands on!! I can’t stand this fucking place anymore. I can’t stand these people, I can’t stand these attitudes, these words, these …. These people! I try to fucking help someone, and they never ask if I’m okay! I always listen to Kyo but she never listens to me. She doesn’t even care! I try to listen to Megan and make her understand when I’ve had enough and she fucking spits in my face! I try to give some random person on the internet a moment of my time, a little opinion of mine, and she fucking spits in my face! I’m going to leave this place, this house, this life and go somewhere else. I don’t eve care if I fucking die. In fact, I hope that fucking happens! I don’t even care about living anymore. I’m a selfish bitch who complains too much. I’m uncaring and think about myself way too much. I want to fucking die. I hope I fucking die. I hope I don’t have to see any of these fucking faces anymore. I just wanna get lost in the wind and …. Be gone. Ah, this fucking blog is so stupid. | | |
| I fucking hate this shit! I fucking hate my life! The people who I want to care for me fucking don't! I wanna just let everybody down! I wanna just fall into something deep and dark and never fucking wake up. I just wanna hear that gunshot and never hear anything else again. I wanna see red ... and never see anything else again. i wanna feel it wet, and feel nothing else again. i wanna smell it, and smell nothing else again. I wanna taste it, and taste nothing else again .... I wanna be fucking gone. I don't care how selfish people say it is, I don't fucking care about you anymore! I don't care about anything! I DON'T FUCKING CARE!! I'm gonna die, and it's gonna be fucking soon! I swear it, you fucking bitches aren't gonna see me again! No! I refuse to deal with it anymore! Say goodbye. It may be the last time you see me. | | |
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